November 23, 2017
Choice.
Every minute of everyday we are faced with choices.
Do I follow the speed limit or go 5, 10, 15 kms faster? Do I put my cell phone down to listen to my spouse/ friend/ mother/ father/ child or do I just pretend I’m listening and keep doing what I’m doing? Do I have that second piece of whatever or not? Do I pick up the phone and call grandma/grandpa/
auntie/uncle/mom/dad or leave it for another day?
Most of the choices that we make on an average day are pretty benign. They’re inconsequential. But some of the choices we make have a ripple effect. Some of the choices we make impact others. Some of them can leave lasting impressions.
Many months ago I was blessed with a dream about Matteo.
In this dream, Kent and I walked into the Rotary Flames House and one of the social workers came running to greet us in the main foyer. “You don’t have to be here!” she proclaimed. “You don’t have to be here!!!” She then turned her head and looked behind her. We followed her gaze to see our beautiful Matteo, pushing a walker, and walking towards us. We looked at her, with “He’s going to be alright??” expressions and she nodded. We laughed, we jumped, we hugged, we had such joy. Matteo was coming home with us. Everything was going to be okay!
At home we went upstairs into his bedroom and cuddled on his bed. I held him in my arms so tightly as we both stared out his window. It was time to be grateful for this gift of each other, and we embraced silently. Suddenly, at the corner of his window peaked a golden light, which grew and grew to cover three quarters of his window. Curiosity peaked, I lifted my head a little. Then in front of that golden sun a little Chinese boy appeared. I gasped, “Who is that Matteo???”
A quiet recognition. “It’s Jesus, mom.”
I knew what was happening. “No.” I shook my head feverishly. “No!” I begged. “Take me. Please! Take me!” I cried.
Matteo got up and stood beside the little boy. He turned and looked at me with this expression, this look that said, “it’s okay mom.” And then he was gone.
I woke up crying. Crying like I lost him all over again. It is an ache that is indescribable. It is an ache that Kent and I have experienced every day since July 17, 2016.
I have spent a lot of time analyzing this dream, for I know that our dreams reveal many truths.
Humorously, I think, why was Jesus Chinese?! I mean, the historical Jesus was from the Middle East, but in my heart, I know that Jesus is the face of every nation of the world. So I can let that one go. The mind is a funny thing.
Humor aside, I have a CHOICE when reflecting on this dream.
Do I
a) Focus on the misery, the pain, the agony, the absence of our little boy?
Or
b) Focus on the “it’s okay mom” look, and his willingness to go with Jesus?
Everyday I feel “A”. And everyday, I have to try to choose “B”.
Choosing B doesn’t mean that I’m okay with Matteo being gone. Choosing B doesn’t mean I’m over it, or I’ll ever be over it. Choosing B means survival. Choosing B means being able to get up in the morning with the belief that Matteo is experiencing the bliss of heaven, and one day, I will be experiencing it with him.
Kent and I have been given the sourest of lemons that the universe can give. Choosing B is trying to create a semblance of lemonade.