March 2, 2018
Today is Matteo’s 11th birthday.
He should be waking up to our birthday tradition. Being surrounded by the number of balloons that correspond to his birthday year. He should be waking up to 11 balloons around his bed. Kent should be on one side of his bed, I on the other and Domenic at the foot, giving him birthday hugs and kisses. He should be celebrating big, going to some fun kid’s place with all his friends, being wild but not too wild because that wasn’t Matteo’s style. Walking around the place, making sure that everyone else was having a good time. He would be worrying the night before that I didn’t order enough pizza to make sure everyone was well fed. He would be double checking that nothing was forgotten on the way out the door.
Matteo should be celebrating here with his family, with his brother and his cousin Heath who have the same birth month. We should be singing, “Happy birthday to…. Matteo, Domenic and HEEEATH” while all three of them stand over their cake and blow out the candles. Heath would surely do something mischievous, Domenic would laugh and Matteo would roll his eyes, smirk and give me this secret look that said, “mom, he’s so cattivo” (“bad” in Italian).
But what “should be” and “what is” are very different. Our little Matteo is forever 9. I miss how he was never embarrassed to hold my hand in front of people. I miss how instead of being mortified to see me dance how he would turn the music up and dance with me. I miss how HE corrected MY behaviour. I miss relying on him to remind me of things. I miss how he was so proficient with any electronic. I remember once calling him from our neighbours’ house because I couldn’t figure out how to use the scanner. I miss how he would just roll his eyes but still do whatever I asked of him. I miss how he rarely complained. I miss how he almost never asked for anything. I miss how he appreciated the finer things in life. I miss the way he pestered Domenic. I miss how we could just chill and watch movies together. I miss his joy and zest. I miss his kisses. I miss his hugs. I miss everything.
Today is one of the best days of my life because it marks the day we were given the most perfect present. Matteo, “gift from God.” Today marks a day where our lives were forever changed, and made better… but it still really, really hurts.
Matteo: I know the party that you are having right now is jam packed, just the way you like it. I know you’ve met new friends and they are being boisterous around you. I know you are dancing to “Party Rock” loud but not too loud. I know you are eating the most delicious margherita pizza made with heavenly ingredients. I know you are surrounded by grandma Tina and grandpa Joe and all the family members that we miss so dearly here. I know that you are experiencing joy and pure bliss in a paradise that I so firmly believe in. I know all of this to be true Matteo. I don’t cry for you Matteo, I cry for me, daddy and Domenic, because our hearts ache so longingly for you.
Today Matteo, we will honour the gift of you in our lives. We will cry a little, we will laugh a little and we will remember the joy you have given us, and we make you a promise, that we will “forever hold you in our hearts, until we can hold you in our arms.”
Happy Heavenly Birthday, My Love.
In honour of Matteo, please light a candle for him and remember our little shining light.
